Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A sad day for us..Journal Entry

Journal Entry


It's been a little over 2 hours now...and I'm still crying. Dr. R called me this morning and told me that 2 of my eggs weren't mature enough to accept the sperm and the 3rd was fighting to hold on.

I started crying immediately. I felt horrible. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Dr. R told me that he wouldn't know for sure until tomorrow. I can't even explain how much I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to hear the bad news. He prepared me for the worse telling me it's been a concern this entire time.

He asked if I was ok and said, we could try something else.

I was so sure about our decision to only pay for one IVF cycle. I just felt that God would bless us the first time if he wanted us to have a baby. Then, to hear that chances are there isn't going to be a baby, I wondered what I did. I started replaying the bad decisions I've made, and relating them to why I'm not going to be pregnant.

I asked God, "Why???"

I truly feel that I'm a good mother and wife.

My daughter emerged from her room to see me crying. When I told her the news, she hugged me and told me how much she, her brother and sister loved me and that she was sorry. Still brings tears to my eyes. Our family wanted this baby so much.

I wish there would have been a sign. Something that would have told us that we weren't going to be successful. I mean, I knew that I wasn't producing many eggs and that my stimulation wasn't what the Dr had hoped it to be, but overall, he had a positive attitude.

I really saw us having this baby! I could feel it, see it...I guess it was just the fact that I wanted it so badly.

When I told my son the news, he held onto me, telling me several times how sorry he was. I asked him to pray for us and he said he would.

I know I shouldn't give up hope yet. I know that God works in mysterious ways and although I don't understand this now, he has an answer.

One of my friends reminded me that it only takes one and I'm begging God to save this one and bless us with this baby.

Megan (my sister) called me. The first thing she said was "I'll give you my eggs". She wanted to know how it can be done. I started feeling better knowing that she would do this for us.

When I called my friend, I burst into tears immediately. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make me "feel better", but I'd be lost without her...she's always positive and loves me like a sister as I do her.

For now...I'm signing off.


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