A month away from 2nd attempt!

I'm not sure how I feel about the month of May yet.

Part of me is anxious, part of me is scared. I'm anxious to try again, to hopefully be successful this time around. I'm scared because I don't want to fail again. I don't want to cry those tears again. I don't want to feel that pain again.

I'm due to go back next month for blood work and an ultrasound to see what my body has decided to do since our IVF failure in March.

If the blood work looks good and the ultrasound looks good, we'll make a go at another attempt in June. If things aren't looking so good, we'll most likely wait until late summer.

We have quite a few things on our plate right now. The IVF process is stressful enough, I don't want to add any more stress to it!

Since our failure, I've taken time to heal from the heartache. I've visited Dr. R and decided that this time I will be confident, but remind myself that things can change in a heartbeat.

I've recommended Dr. R to a couple of people. One friend of mine is using his services and raves about him. He truly is a one-of-a-kind Dr!

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I received a card and a check refunding us our transfer fee from Dr. R! I was so surprised because no where in the paperwork does it imply that a refund would be granted if a procedure isn't done.

I'm so lucky to have found him and will continue to praise his work. He's an incredible Dr!

I will update as things progress!

•·.·´¯`·.·• Baby Update! •·.·´¯`·.·•

We went back to the Dr. today and had a long discussion as to what our options are and set a game plan.

Right now, we've decided to use my eggs for one more IVF try. (we still may use my sisters if this doesn't work). The Dr. agreed to give us a bit of a discount (whew), but did warn us that our medications would probably cost $1,000 more than before.

He is going to put me on totally different meds! I'm really happy about this. He's also going to give me a new Rx that is proving to be good for young, healthy women who just don't respond well to just regular stim meds and produce few eggs.

Right now, I'm set to have some bloodwork & an ultrasound done in May. Depending on what those show we'll start in June or July.

He said he'd rather not rush into trying again right away, rather give me some time and give my body some time to get back on a schedule. Which is just fine with me!!!


•·.·´¯`·.·• Fundraiser Update! •·.·´¯`·.·•

We've had 18 donations! Thank you so much! I can't tell you how much we appreciate all of your support and encouragement!!!

About My Blog

Before I started my IVF experience, I searched the net looking for other personal IVF/infertility accounts and had a hard time finding them. I decided to use my blog as a journal, not only to share with others going through IVF but to share with my family and hopefully, one day my new baby.

This blog is about my personal IVF experience. There are a few topics where photos are posted of me giving my IVF injections, if you have a sensative stomach or prefer not to see something like that, please skip it and go on to the next.

I hope you find this interesting, insightful and helpful!

-Melissa

My IVF Failure

A Journal Entry

3/15/07

13 hours ago, I found out that our last egg wouldn't fertilize.

I didn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about that one egg, imaging what it looked like in that petrie dish...I wondered why it was struggling. I tried to think positive...I even tried to invision a positive outcome and what that little baby would look like and be like one day.

I got out of bed around 6:45 am. I was due for my progesterone injection, but thought I'd wait to give it until I knew I had to. I found things to do around the house to keep me busy until 9 am. I was set on calling the clinic at 9 am...9 am, came and past, I couldn't bring myself to call. I didn't want to hear any bad news. Ten minutes later, I called. The receptionist didn't have any news for me. My breath grew short...the phone rang, my heart pumped faster than I thought it could. It was my friend. The phone rings again, and still not my Dr.

I tried to keep myself occupied, but I started to get scared. I prayed and prayed for a good outcome.

I watched minute by minute pass. I decided I would give my shot at 9:30 am. When I didn't hear from the Dr, I decided to wait until 10. At 9:50, my husband came upstairs. I looked at him and said, "Well, I need to give my shot."

His reply; "No you don't"

My heart sank...tears flowed out of my eyes and my stomach hurt.

He told me that the office manager had called and told him that the egg just didn't make it and that the Dr. would be calling around noon.

As we cried together, I apologized for my poor egg production. My husband refused to put blame on anything.

My body began to shake due to my heavy crying. I couldn't catch my breath, I felt as though I couldn't stand. I just couldn't understand why...why???

I made a couple of phone calls to inform my family but stopped short when trying to call my friends. I couldn't gather my thoughts and the thought of making conversation just made me feel worse...I knew that no one could "fix" it.

I ended up cried myself to sleep. I woke up a short time later to the phone ringing. I didn't answer, I knew it was probably my Dr and I was in no shape to talk.

Soon, my husband came back upstairs to relay his conversation with the Dr.

Dr. R said I would soon have a heavier cycle than normal. He also invited us into his office next week to discuss options.

My husband and I briefly discussed what options we knew of and wondered just how much more another try would it cost?

After another hour of tears, my husband and I decided that we wouldn't make any rash decisions, rather allow ourselves to grieve and decide what our next step is next week.

Later this afternoon, my husband and I left the house for fresh air. I was careful not to go any place where people knew we were due for our IVF transfer...I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together to talk with them.

Telling my kids wasn't an easy task. They seemed to take it well. I suppose because I told them yesterday that chances are the last embryo wouldn't make it.

I started feeling better about the situation after our talk and telling the kids. I was able to take comfort in knowing we weren't going to give up just yet. Will it happen? Who knows, but I take comfort in the fact that it might.

A sad day for us..Journal Entry

Journal Entry

3/14/07

It's been a little over 2 hours now...and I'm still crying. Dr. R called me this morning and told me that 2 of my eggs weren't mature enough to accept the sperm and the 3rd was fighting to hold on.

I started crying immediately. I felt horrible. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Dr. R told me that he wouldn't know for sure until tomorrow. I can't even explain how much I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want to hear the bad news. He prepared me for the worse telling me it's been a concern this entire time.

He asked if I was ok and said, we could try something else.

I was so sure about our decision to only pay for one IVF cycle. I just felt that God would bless us the first time if he wanted us to have a baby. Then, to hear that chances are there isn't going to be a baby, I wondered what I did. I started replaying the bad decisions I've made, and relating them to why I'm not going to be pregnant.

I asked God, "Why???"

I truly feel that I'm a good mother and wife.

My daughter emerged from her room to see me crying. When I told her the news, she hugged me and told me how much she, her brother and sister loved me and that she was sorry. Still brings tears to my eyes. Our family wanted this baby so much.

I wish there would have been a sign. Something that would have told us that we weren't going to be successful. I mean, I knew that I wasn't producing many eggs and that my stimulation wasn't what the Dr had hoped it to be, but overall, he had a positive attitude.

I really saw us having this baby! I could feel it, see it...I guess it was just the fact that I wanted it so badly.

When I told my son the news, he held onto me, telling me several times how sorry he was. I asked him to pray for us and he said he would.

I know I shouldn't give up hope yet. I know that God works in mysterious ways and although I don't understand this now, he has an answer.

One of my friends reminded me that it only takes one and I'm begging God to save this one and bless us with this baby.

Megan (my sister) called me. The first thing she said was "I'll give you my eggs". She wanted to know how it can be done. I started feeling better knowing that she would do this for us.

When I called my friend, I burst into tears immediately. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make me "feel better", but I'd be lost without her...she's always positive and loves me like a sister as I do her.

For now...I'm signing off.

-Melissa

My Fertility Expenses

As everyone who's ever looking into fertility treatments or knows someone who has, knows that this is a very expensive process. Some couples spend more, some less...I decided to break down my expenses to give you an actual example of what we spent.

Initial consultation was free.

Dr's fees: $8,400 (This included ICSI, a $1,500 procedure where the Dr. injects the sperm directly into the egg for fertilization).

2 ultrasounds and office visits not included in my package: $600

Anest. (egg retreival) $400

Medications:

2 packs of birth control pills: $14 (copay, covered by my insurance)

Prenatal vitamins: $25.00 (I have some that my insurance convered, but read good things about this one, so I opted to buy them seperately)

Baby Aspirin: $1.99 (This is used to help with circulation during this process)

Antibiotic for Sono: $7 (copay)

900 Unit Follistim: $621

150 Unit Follistim: $103.50

20 vials Repronex: $1,060.00

2 Vivelle Dot: $50

30 Rx Prenatal Vitamin: $7 (copay)

1 Feldene: $7 (copay)

3 Valium: $6.89

30 Progesterone Supp: $50

3 bottles Progesterone 50mg/cc: $84.00

Lupron 14 day kit: $7 (copay) I was so excited when I found out this was covered!!

10 Doxycylcine: $7 (copay)

1 Ovidrel: $68.77

24 Medrol: $7 (copay)

Then my dosage was doubled. That pharmacy bill:

2 vials Repronex: $112.01

2 900 Unit Follistim: $1,254.07

Estradiol: $20

Other fees: $510.11

As of 3/14/07 our total is: $13,432.33

Egg Retrieval!

I could hardly sleep the night before my egg retrieval! I was excited and nervous at the same time.

I was excited that it was finally time to pull the eggs out, but nervous that my follicles would be lacking just that...eggs.

I was instructed no eating or drinking after midnight as I would be put under for the retrieval process.

We hit the road at 10 am. The fertility clinic where I was having the retrieval was approximately 1 1/2 hours away from us.

We hit more traffic than we expected and got lost on the way, but found the place with 15 minutes to spare.

Upon arriving, I paid the $400 fee for the anesthesiologist and had a seat. Mine and my husbands names were called after only a few minutes. I was lead to one room, while he was lead to another room to give his sample.

I entered the room and saw a semi-familiar face there. I believe it was the woman's husband whom I'd seen at the clinic a few times before. She wasn't as friendly as he. We had a nice conversation about infertility and soon that turned to our dogs.

Before long, I was called back and instructed me to undressed from the waist down. Within a minute or two the anesthesiologist arrived and started an IV. We chatted a bit about my Extreme Makeover and how being put under for this is nothing compared to that experience.

Suddenly I felt the room spin a bit and must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I was awake, talking to the Dr. and noticed my husband sitting next to me.

The Dr. told me that we only had 3 eggs from the 4 follicles. I was a little disappointed, but chucked it up to, "We only need 3...and God knows what he's doing."

Apparently, I was talking nonsense to my Dr. and thankfully, my husband reminded him that I always do this coming out of surgery. The Dr. got a chuckle and told him that most people do.

After lying there for a couple of minutes, a nurse came in to offer me a hot pack. I declined as I was feeling fine. A few minutes later, another nurse arrived and offered me the same hot pack, I declined, but she insisted I use it, so I did. Shortly after that, yet another nurse arrived and offered me apple juice, I gratefully accepted.

About 30 minutes later I was released. I don't remember much about the car ride home as I slept through most of it. I do remember stopping at the grocery store and waking up to extreme heat. I looked at the thermometer on the car and it said 91!! No wonder I was dying of heat. The window were up and no AC.

Upon arriving home, I called my family and prepared my first progesterone injection. I took the oral medications I was given and sat there, dreading this injection.

After warming the injection in my fist and my behind on an electric blanket, I asked my husband to administer the injection I'd been dreading for weeks.

After forcing him to stop several times, taking the injection away from him, unsuccessfully trying to administer it to myself, I finally bent over and told him to just do it.

YIKES!!! That poke HURT!!! The first few seconds were ok, until he hit the muscle. OUCH! He told me, "DON'T MOVE!!!" as he began to administer the progesterone.

I moved my head twice and was scolded to keep still. The injection sting didn't last too long. Removing the needle hurt just as much as feeling it go in.

Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm glad I prepared myself for the worse!!

As of now, my next step is to call the clinic tomorrow and find out how many of my eggs fertilized and get my transfer date. As of now, it's set for Friday!!