My IVF Failure

A Journal Entry

3/15/07

13 hours ago, I found out that our last egg wouldn't fertilize.

I didn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about that one egg, imaging what it looked like in that petrie dish...I wondered why it was struggling. I tried to think positive...I even tried to invision a positive outcome and what that little baby would look like and be like one day.

I got out of bed around 6:45 am. I was due for my progesterone injection, but thought I'd wait to give it until I knew I had to. I found things to do around the house to keep me busy until 9 am. I was set on calling the clinic at 9 am...9 am, came and past, I couldn't bring myself to call. I didn't want to hear any bad news. Ten minutes later, I called. The receptionist didn't have any news for me. My breath grew short...the phone rang, my heart pumped faster than I thought it could. It was my friend. The phone rings again, and still not my Dr.

I tried to keep myself occupied, but I started to get scared. I prayed and prayed for a good outcome.

I watched minute by minute pass. I decided I would give my shot at 9:30 am. When I didn't hear from the Dr, I decided to wait until 10. At 9:50, my husband came upstairs. I looked at him and said, "Well, I need to give my shot."

His reply; "No you don't"

My heart sank...tears flowed out of my eyes and my stomach hurt.

He told me that the office manager had called and told him that the egg just didn't make it and that the Dr. would be calling around noon.

As we cried together, I apologized for my poor egg production. My husband refused to put blame on anything.

My body began to shake due to my heavy crying. I couldn't catch my breath, I felt as though I couldn't stand. I just couldn't understand why...why???

I made a couple of phone calls to inform my family but stopped short when trying to call my friends. I couldn't gather my thoughts and the thought of making conversation just made me feel worse...I knew that no one could "fix" it.

I ended up cried myself to sleep. I woke up a short time later to the phone ringing. I didn't answer, I knew it was probably my Dr and I was in no shape to talk.

Soon, my husband came back upstairs to relay his conversation with the Dr.

Dr. R said I would soon have a heavier cycle than normal. He also invited us into his office next week to discuss options.

My husband and I briefly discussed what options we knew of and wondered just how much more another try would it cost?

After another hour of tears, my husband and I decided that we wouldn't make any rash decisions, rather allow ourselves to grieve and decide what our next step is next week.

Later this afternoon, my husband and I left the house for fresh air. I was careful not to go any place where people knew we were due for our IVF transfer...I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together to talk with them.

Telling my kids wasn't an easy task. They seemed to take it well. I suppose because I told them yesterday that chances are the last embryo wouldn't make it.

I started feeling better about the situation after our talk and telling the kids. I was able to take comfort in knowing we weren't going to give up just yet. Will it happen? Who knows, but I take comfort in the fact that it might.